Feel your feelings... without making it worse

In my personal experience (first as a human being and then as a mindset coach) I believe one of the hardest things to master is the art of actually feeling your feelings without making it worse.

one way to make it worse...

The first way people can 'make it worse' is by not actually feeling their feelings to begin with.

Depending on how you were raised, you might have grown up in a family and/or society that favours logic over feeling, mind over body and perhaps spoke negatively about being "emotional". 

If you're a woman, perhaps you learned early that any big emotion were interpreted as 'unstable' or 'crazy', that women shouldn't be 'angry' and that it would better for you in society to remain 'measured'. 

If you're a man, perhaps you took on the belief that "boys don't cry" or "emotions are weakness"

This narrative about being measured and to favour logic means that many people have grown up completely disconnecting themselves from their emotions. 

'I don't know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room.' -- John Mulaney 

Sure, they still have emotional responses to life but they find it hard to name the feeling, locate it in their body or know of any healthy ways to self-regulate.

You'd be surprised how often I ask a client "how do you feel about X?" and they don't actually know. They haven't taken a second to actually tune inward (below their neck, I mean). 

As an NLP trained coach I am listening intently for my clients choice of words. I've had hundreds of clients who are very logic driven; they "think" they "rationalise" they look for "logic" to "work through" their goals and challenges. Even when I ask how they feel they answer with "I think" or "I think I feel..."

This was/is me. I have grown up favouring logic and so this has been my default my whole life and it has been an incredible journey of self-discovery and a process of unbecoming to allow my emotions a seat at the table too. 

I encourage you to pause right now and tune into your body - are you feeling sad right now? Are you angry? hurt? Are you feeling disappointed? 

Some people may be slightly more attuned to their emotions but due to the types of societal conditioning I've laid out, they immediately suppress or numb them, thinking that any 'negative' emotion is bad. They shame themselves for having a particular emotion (sadness, anger) and believe that it's a sign that they're not "healed" or something. 

This is where we often fall into unhealthy coping strategies to avoid the feelings such as social media scrolling, binge eating, drinking, keeping yourself busy and all consumed so you're never 'with your own thoughts or feelings' for too long. 

Numbing or distracting in these ways provides short-term relief but prevents actual resolution.

But emotions don’t disappear just because they are ignored. Suppressed emotions stay in the body and can come up in unwanted and less healthy ways later or can create dis-ease in the body. 

another way to make it worse...

The other end of the spectrum is to spend too much time dwelling or ruminating on emotions and the stories that create particular emotions. 

In some cases people don't know how to regulate their emotions but rather than suppress and ignore, they ruminate, dwell and let it consume and define them.

They hold onto feelings get trapped in their feelings, constantly replaying negative events or amplifying their emotions through self-talk.

Perhaps a relationship ended, something happened that feels unfair or unjust. Perhaps someone said something that you didn't feel was nice or respectful. Perhaps someone was unfaithful. 

Or perhaps you are focused on what hasn't happened yet, things you don't have. 

Whatever the situation - something happened or not happened and you had an emotional response to that things based on a number of reasons. 

Your feelings are valid and also...when we are still dwelling and holding onto these emotions months or years later - we are keeping ourselves stuck in the past and making it worse for ourselves. 

Over-dwelling on emotions can turn them into self-reinforcing cycles, making someone feel more helpless and stuck.

Common Mistakes:

• Replaying negative memories over and over without resolution.
• Labelling oneself by an emotion (“I am an anxious person” instead of “I feel anxious”).
• Catastrophising (“I always mess up” or “Things will NEVER work out”).
• Seeking excessive validation rather than internal processing.

Trust me, I've been in this camp too. In fact, I'm willing to bet you are a little of camp A and a little of camp B just like most human beings on the planet. 

So you have plenty of company :)

But you could be in the company of people who are taking the time to learn how to feel without making it worse. 

There is great power in being able to feel, name and honour the reality of your current emotions

To learn how to feel your feelings without feeding them

Finding a nice comfy spot in-between these two spectrums is where you want to situate yourself.

Where you allow your emotions to exist but you also allow yourself to let them come and go.

To allow yourself to surrender to the inevitable highs and lows of how life can feel but not allow it to knock you around or pull you under.

To allow yourself to FEEL whilst not keeping yourself bound by a story or a situation that keeps you dwelling and trapped in one emotion 

So how do you do this?

It's a practice of fine-tuning. A practice of radical self-awareness, compassion and making micro adjustments to your thoughts and behaviours. 

This is a practice of noticing and having the courage to look inward.  

A practice of profound honesty 0 which helps in all facets of life. 

There is no real freedom without honesty with yourself

Happiness and freedom isn't about feeling "bliss" all the time.

It's not about toxic positivity or forcing yourself to be happy when you feel sad 

It is about loving yourself enough to accept the reality of a moment and then not get stuck there. 

So let me ask you..

Is there something right now that you find yourself ruminating on?

Is there something you keep thinking about over and over again that makes you angry or sad?

What is keeping you from letting it go? 

Something for you to journal on this weekend and as we move into this new month. 

Lauren x